Twenty-twenty

How did I perceive 2020? 

Horrible, 

but I've learned a lot. 

I met a lot of new people, I have gained new experiences, and improved my soft-skills during my 2-months-internship. It is always exciting to meet new people even though it drains my energy at the end of the day. But it is a worthy-life experience that I have to grab to climb the ladder. It makes me think, am I really fit to work in this field? Apparently, we never know. I will never know. The truth is, I don't think I have a passion for anything. Maybe I lost my passion? Or do I have a passion in the first place? All of these thoughts have been lingering in my mind these days. I feel like.... there's nothing that am I good at. Yeah, that's me being pessimistic. On the contrary, if I were to be optimistic about my life, I would tell myself that one day, I will be an expert in this field but it just a matter of time. Isn't it normal to feel that way? I mean, one day, you're so optimistic about your life, but the other, you just want to do nothing on your bed and thinking why you're still alive. 

I'm 22, but I'm still struggling to love myself. But then again, I won't give up on improving myself even though most of the time, I just wanna disappear. 

"Wouldn't it better if I don't exist at the first place?" 

I think it's inevitable that I should blame myself whenever something went wrong or things didn't go the way I planned.  

"It's your fault." 

People often say that to me and that hurts me the most. That's why I am scared to say those words to others because I know how painful it can be. I've been wondering if it's painful for me to say that to others, shouldn't I think it's the same way for myself? I will only hurt myself if I keep on blaming myself. I then realize that being kind to yourself is the hardest thing to do. 

For the past few weeks, I've been stuck in the middle of two notions that I've often heard. First, if you really love someone, you have to fight for them. On the other hand, if you really love someone, let them go because if it's meant for you, it'll come to you no matter how quickly you try to get away from them. I was perplexed by what had happened between us, and it took me a while to think which one was the best thing I was supposed to do? Thank God, at that moment, I can think objectively. Considering that it's only going to hurt him if I hold him back, I decided to let him go so that I could be free from guilt. In short, I choose the latter because I want a sense of inner peace. Isn't that cliche? But that's probably the best thing for now and I regret nothing. Besides.... why would I regret my decision? I've used all my brain-cells to come to that decision, I don't wanna make them feel wasted. 

22/12/2020 - I think I'm doing better in loving myself and I will continue doing it. 

I think the biggest lesson I've learned this year is to be thankful for everything you got and everything you've gone through. It's all written anyway. I don't want to stress myself thinking that no one will marry me before I turn 25 (I was foolish to think that I was able to do this hshsh). Now I just want to focus on embracing myself, equipping myself with whatever necessary in order to survive, and turn myself into a decent, intellectual, and elegant woman (gituhh). 

I'm not expecting a lot for next year. I just hope I'll be able to finish my degree and graduate on time. Of course, I'd like this covid to come to an end soon so that I can travel again.

Last note from me, I wish you have a nice year ahead and I hope you will stay sane. To all my friends (if yall reading this), thank you so much for the support yall gave me when I hit the rock bottom; emotionally, mentally (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ

that's how it goes

Phewwwwwwwwwwwww. 

It's been a while right, huh? My most recent post on this blog is June 2018 (so much time passed lol) I've been going through a lot of things since August 2018. If I can recall things that happened in 2018, it would be my involvement in MalayaMUN in which I was the protocol officer. I had a lot of fun as I got to widen my circle by socializing with the delegates (though I'm not a fan of being social and small talks, I just had to). I'm genuinely hoping that soon everything will be normal, even though we haven't discovered an official vaccine for this disease, and then "surprisingly", China discovered a new virus but this time, it related to pigs and Kalimantan is in the state of emergency over forest fires (it happens annually anyway). 

I'm still in the state of befuddled with the fact that I make it to 2020? When I was a kid, I always consider 2020 is another dimension of the world. The most common one would be flying cars, me having a big house with a lift, and probably a robot that can finish my homework. Sadly, the only robot that I found this year is the one that we have in Makcik Cafe (pastu tak function?)

Ok now, we move to 2019. To sum up my 2019, I would say that it such a hectic year but it's the most meaningful year to me. I guess there was nothing much at the beginning of the year but it started to be fast-paced in June. I was involved in Kalsom Movement, The Volunteerism and Cultural Exchange (VEX), Small Changes, Leadership Camp, I went to Aceh and flop my final for the fifth semester as well (specifically my Admin Law paper, sorry Dr. Sri for disappointing you with my uncritical thoughts and logic). I guess I'm wrapping up 2019 with a little blunder, but well, life doesn't always give you justice. To add, my friends, Alia Jasmeen and Piah were married last year and at the same time, I also lost a good friend of mine, Farid, who died in an accident. I was speechless when I heard the news, and I didn't make it to see him for the last time as I was in KL. I've been witnessing his hard work to save up for his marriage with his fiance but He has a better plan after all. May Allah bless his soul. Amin. 

Ok now, I'm attaching pictures here so I will look a bit creative  [Pardon my language, idk it sounds weird here] 

 

Before we went to snorkeling in Pulau Sabang, Aceh. 

Caption America's team :)

Besides, I was also part of the Tun Suffian International Moot committee with Qis and Farah [we luvvvvv handling PA system :")] Nevertheless, I got to enjoy the scrumptious food that we had in the hotel haha.

Multech & Volunteers - Izni, Jiha, Awatif :) 

2020 is a year full of surprises, and I would say that most of us would have finally realized that Western people aren't smart as they seemed to be. It becomes more evident, especially when they refuse to wear masks and say that the fact that the government forces them to wear is infringing their right. Luckily we did not encounter this moment in Malaysia. Buuuuuut, As usual in Malaysia, we are (again) engaged in a never-ending debate about who's at fault when it comes to rape? The inequalities before the law that are getting worse among the politicians, the continuous vague guidelines during the PKP, the rude school kids who refuse to finish their homework, we have seen some people in our community who are not clear about the issue of racism. Haihh banyak betul current issue to the extent that I feel tired of catching up with everything. 

Even though 2020 seems like a messed-up year, it's also been a good year for me. Finally, I can experience the whole of Ramadhan with my family (haven't experienced this since I was a kid as my father often went out for outstation). My relationship with my dad is closer to me. I mean, you know me well, you 're going to know how awkward I am with my dad. I honestly always feel jealous of those who have a good relationship with their dad. "Good" here actually refers to a "warm" relationship as I don't have any issue with my dad it just that we are not that close to each other? I envy those who are able to share everything with their dad :") All in all, everything that happened is a blessing in disguise.

Ok now, let's move to the most favorite part which is HONNE new album!!!!!!!!!!!!! Omg!!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad that found Honne sooner. Day 1 will always be my favorite but the new album is a masterpiece!!!!! Look at the lyrics tho. It's so poetic.

Ok lah the reason why I choose these specific lines is that I know many of us had planned everything that we wanted to do. But, all of a sudden, we were attacked by Covid-19, which obstructs us from doing all of them. If we weren't attacked by Covid-19, I might have finished my Sabah volunteer project, which was due to take place last April. I'm sad that I can't join next year because my parents didn't allow me to go but takpelah haha.

Essentially, there will be a lot of things you're planning that won't go the way you want it to be because that's the beauty of life. When all goes the way you've expected, then there's no way you can stumble and learn how to pick up yourself.
I'm trying to inculcate the positive vibes here (づ￣ ³￣)づ

The last remark for this post is that we always need to remember that there are so many things that we need to be grateful for. (It's a reminder to me, too, because I often feel like I'm not a thankful servant enough). So here's a list of things that I'm really grateful for ＼(^-^)／

I'm thankful that I managed to survive the pandemic phase (so far) at home, not at the hospital.
I'm thankful that no one in my family and friends gets infected.

I'm thankful that there is always food in my fridge during the pandemic, it's such a heartbreaking to see that there are many people struggling to have rice in their plate while I am eating a lot of food for the whole time.
I'm thankful that I have my friends that keep me sane.
I'm thankful that I finally post something after 17 drafts that I hesitate to post.

p/s: I edited my blog hoping it won't look dull anymore.

Thanks for reading it ᵔᴥᵔ