How did I perceive 2020?
Horrible,
but I've learned a lot.
I met a lot of new people, I have gained new experiences, and improved my soft-skills during my 2-months-internship. It is always exciting to meet new people even though it drains my energy at the end of the day. But it is a worthy-life experience that I have to grab to climb the ladder. It makes me think, am I really fit to work in this field? Apparently, we never know. I will never know. The truth is, I don't think I have a passion for anything. Maybe I lost my passion? Or do I have a passion in the first place? All of these thoughts have been lingering in my mind these days. I feel like.... there's nothing that am I good at. Yeah, that's me being pessimistic. On the contrary, if I were to be optimistic about my life, I would tell myself that one day, I will be an expert in this field but it just a matter of time. Isn't it normal to feel that way? I mean, one day, you're so optimistic about your life, but the other, you just want to do nothing on your bed and thinking why you're still alive.
I'm 22, but I'm still struggling to love myself. But then again, I won't give up on improving myself even though most of the time, I just wanna disappear.
"Wouldn't it better if I don't exist at the first place?"
I think it's inevitable that I should blame myself whenever something went wrong or things didn't go the way I planned.
"It's your fault."
People often say that to me and that hurts me the most. That's why I am scared to say those words to others because I know how painful it can be. I've been wondering if it's painful for me to say that to others, shouldn't I think it's the same way for myself? I will only hurt myself if I keep on blaming myself. I then realize that being kind to yourself is the hardest thing to do.
For the past few weeks, I've been stuck in the middle of two notions that I've often heard. First, if you really love someone, you have to fight for them. On the other hand, if you really love someone, let them go because if it's meant for you, it'll come to you no matter how quickly you try to get away from them. I was perplexed by what had happened between us, and it took me a while to think which one was the best thing I was supposed to do? Thank God, at that moment, I can think objectively. Considering that it's only going to hurt him if I hold him back, I decided to let him go so that I could be free from guilt. In short, I choose the latter because I want a sense of inner peace. Isn't that cliche? But that's probably the best thing for now and I regret nothing. Besides.... why would I regret my decision? I've used all my brain-cells to come to that decision, I don't wanna make them feel wasted.
22/12/2020 - I think I'm doing better in loving myself and I will continue doing it.
I think the biggest lesson I've learned this year is to be thankful for everything you got and everything you've gone through. It's all written anyway. I don't want to stress myself thinking that no one will marry me before I turn 25 (I was foolish to think that I was able to do this hshsh). Now I just want to focus on embracing myself, equipping myself with whatever necessary in order to survive, and turn myself into a decent, intellectual, and elegant woman (gituhh).
I'm not expecting a lot for next year. I just hope I'll be able to finish my degree and graduate on time. Of course, I'd like this covid to come to an end soon so that I can travel again.
Last note from me, I wish you have a nice year ahead and I hope you will stay sane. To all my friends (if yall reading this), thank you so much for the support yall gave me when I hit the rock bottom; emotionally, mentally (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ
